I am not pregnant with baby #3.!?

I know what a way to start a post or title a post. This is how I felt and what I thought when I found out the news today.

I went in to the Drs today to get checked, because I am 10 weeks along and I have been spotting for the past 4 days(just a little nervous here). As you may know I was seeing my midwives from my last birth, planning on a home birth again. I loved my homebirth, difficult but so nice to be home and not have to travel in labor or with a newborn, just to mention a few of my favorite things about that birth. So I had been keeping my midwives updated and they were suggesting, gently, that I should get an ultrasound for my peace of mind and to know what is going on. I really felt this morning that I wanted to be in touch with my drs office because bleeding for 4 days was not normal, especially this early.

I kept having all these horrible scenarios running through my head, a little like Anne of Green Gables, you get the picture. I really needed to have some clarification.  

So I went back to my old OB-Gyn office, oh joy. Well the appointment was for 12:30pm, and while I was in the appointment they told me my actual appointment with the nurse practitioner was at 2pm. What?!!!! oh I was really not happy. My blood pressure is always, ALWAYS higher in the office(or hospital) than it has ever been at home.

The medical field just loves to tell you small amounts of the truth or what they want you to think is the truth and then pull a big wammy on you in the end.

So I missed my girls first visit to our dentist, I am sad over this. But I am still bleeding and want answers and they are well taken care of by my wonderful husband, so I stick with the appointment.

I get in with the NP (I should say she comes in) finally at 2:30, says she has to be quick because they have scheduled me an ultrasound appt at 2:45. She was not incredibly hopeful sounding(looking back) but nice.

I get rushed off to the ultrasound appt, with 20 oz of water in me, and I sit and wait in the waiting room for an hour. Pregnant with a full bladder for an hour! When I asked what was taking so long they said they had double booked the tech and I would be the next one in. They did tell me I could go to the bathroom, but please keep some fluid in me.  I think I went like 10 times and still had a ton of urine when I was finally allowed to empty my bladder after the external ultrasound.

The internal ultrasound was not as bad as I had imagined, the tech was very gentle and kind, I was wondering why she did not turn on the monitor for me to see. But I waited and tried to think positive thoughts. Since the techs are not supposed to give any information when it is a negative outcome, I was trying not to go back to my huge list of what could be wrong. She did tell me that when a heart beat is detected she could show me the baby on the screen, but in this case that did not happen. She did tell me that I could wait around to talk with the Dr there for the results or go home and wait for a call from my Dr(which could happen in the morning or in 2-3 days).

After talking with my husband, I decided to wait to talk with the Dr before going home. I needed to know what was going on.

I did get a glance at the ultrasound images, the tech had left them on screen when she went out of the room for me to change, they were strange just a dark blob in the middle of nothing with nothing in it. Since I have 2 fibroids I thought it might be the fibroids.

Oh well and then the wait.

I got my book from the car and read for about 45 mins, when I finally got a phone call from my Dr's office.  They were so sweet and kind on the phone.

I have a blighted ovum, or in other words it was a bad egg, there is an empty sac in my uterus attached to the uterine wall.

There never was a baby, just pregnancy symptoms.

Weird, but very reassuring.

All the worries about major health problems left. I had an answer and it makes sense.

I have not felt any major need to cry or be upset over this. I am sad that I will not have my baby to hold in March 2013, I do plan on holding many babies in the coming months, but I never was going to. I never did anything wrong, there was no baby.

I do not have to grieve this passing of the sack and shedding of the lining, it is basically a period, I just skipped a few months of periods.

I have my 2 beautiful girls to hold and spend more time with before we try for baby #3 again. We have more time to save for the bigger vehicle we are going to need. I will have my girls potty trained before the next one comes along. We will have the midwives paid off in the next couple of months! I have the time to get my body in better shape and ready for the next one. I do not have to wear maternity clothes again this winter. We will not have a "bad egg".(this one made us laugh).

I am not broken and I did not loose a baby, there was not one to lose.

We have not been trying for years to have a baby and then this is the result.

Crazy things happen but I am grateful for the perspective this has given me with my family and goals in life.

I want to be pregnant again and I will be, just not now.

I think I will cry that I will not be holding a precious new soul that I helped to bring into this world in March, but it was not going to happen anyways.

I know that God has been in charge of this all along, he knows what is best for me, I have learned so much that I want to be a better wife and mother. I have a greater understanding of what I can do to bless the lives of my family, because this is what matters to me.

I am so glad to be a mother, I am so glad to be a wife.  These are difficult things to be, I chose these things for my life. It is interesting to me that I am a daughter and sister and they seemed so easy compared to wife and mother. The things I choose to do in life are so much harder than the things that just happen to me, but they are the most rewarding things I have ever done. I am learning more about me everyday and I hope that I am a better person than I was even just a half hour ago when I started this post.

Please do not be sad for me, I do not feel sad over this loss(?).
As I said I will miss not having that new baby in March but this is good and all is well.

Love to you all!
Shannon

I create

After writing my post last night, I came to an amazing realization. Not only do I create what goes on my blog, but I create my life, the environment in my home.

I create what my children experience and how they will experience life. I create friendships or not. I create many things.

For so long I have thought that I am only creating things when I am at my sewing machine(which I love to do).

I feel quite free today.

I am quite sure that friends, family, church leaders, strangers and God have been trying to teach me this very thing.  I am glad that I have finally gotten that lesson.

I look forward to creating how we grow as a family, or growing as we create what we envision.

I hope to have many opportunities to create many things. I love to share what comes.  So here is to creating new things.

What do you create? please share with me. 

I think I may just want too much. I do not mean money, or things. I mean things to do, having good close friends that my children grow up with their children, a clean(or semi-clean) home, time to sew and craft, time to serve others, time in the garden, good quality time with my family, dates with my husband, a girlfriend to call or just go out with for the fun of it, to get away.

I wish I wanted to be here in this part of my life more than I want to be. I know I am missing out on something, but I do not know how.

I had a great friend growing up, a built in best friend, my cousin. We did so much together but we grew apart, we still love each other but we are not pals like we used to be. In HS there were several good friends but life changes and only because of FB are we still in touch. And then in college I had an amazing friend, who helped me to get beyond where I started. I recently found out we have also started on separate paths, well actually that started about the time I got married.

 But now I feel like I am with out a best-girlfriend.

I have my husband and he is wonderful. I just want to talk to a friend, and not a different person every time I need to talk.

Do not get me wrong, I am truly grateful that I have had and still have so many friends. I have honestly been blessed with some wonderful people in my life, I would not be who I am with out you.

 But I still miss having the friend that I can pop in and see and I do not feel like I am imposing, I can speak my mind and they know I do not really mean all the nasty things I say.

 I can drop my children off at a moments notice and she can do the same.

 I want someone to talk to when married days are rough or not so rough.  Some one to commiserate when the day has been just too long and full of whine and tears.

I need a good friend, I need the chance to be a good friend. 

I am trying to be a good wife and mother, I honestly think I am failing at both, so I would like to be able to share my thoughts, feelings, ups, downs, words, cookies, chocolate, etc with a good friend so maybe, just maybe I can get beyond where I feel stuck right now.

I have been trying to make friends, not so busy when my days and nights are filled with energetic children and husband. I am always at a loss what to say and worried, oh so worried that I will open my mouth and just speak my mind... and loose again before I have even had a chance to make another friend.

Now that my tears are staining my face, I will end this. I hope truly hope that this post will help me to move forward in life with what I have and not dwell on what I do not have.

I love my children, I love my handsome, talented husband, I love and miss my Family, I love my In-laws, I love my friends, I even love chocolate.

I love thunder storms, I love rain, I love sunny days.

I am growing to love gardening and planning the landscaping, not my favorite thing but it is nice to be outside. 

I love that this is my voice in the world and I can craft it however I see fit for me. If you like it good.

good mommie

I do not feel like I have been a good mommie lately. I am cranky and crabby, the house is a wreck, I do not want to cook and I just want to run away. Thankfully Ben is now done with the interpreting program and will be moving on to the big school hopefully next spring. I am just tired of Ben constantly being gone and me doing all of the parenting and cleaning. I wanna play. Not that Ben gets to play, but he gets to be a grown up and away from crying whiny babies.

E has been working on cutting some teeth. today I noticed one has finally broke the surface of her gums, to my surprise it is near the back and feels like it is one of the big teeth. No wonder she has been so fussy. I know the first tooth is hard but to cut a back tooth first, ow.

L is working on the 2 year molars and I am hoping she will be potty training soon. I think the sooner I get on a good schedule for her and not so crabby she will gladly get rid of the diapers.

It is hard to believe that my little girl will be 2 in a couple of weeks, the time has just flown by, I keep looking at her and wondering where my little girl went. I am not sure what to do for the birthday this year. Should we have a party this year? seems silly to me to have a party every year. I love my birthday and I think it is awesome to share it with my little miss. I have always loved my birthday and wanted to celebrate it with the world(my world), since having L I do not feel that there can ever be anything better than the gift she has been in my life and arriving just on my birthday. Awesome.

So on to my musings about being a good mommie. And yes I have purposely chosen to misspell mommy, I like the ie ending better.

What does it take to be a good mommie?
At a glance one might think it is all the surface things, a clean home, beautiful meals, designer clothes for mom and baby, fancy house, all the baby gadgets, and patience.
Well I do not have any of these things.
I have decided that it takes the willingness to put up with a messy home while taking care of the needs of your child, in fact a little of seeing the world through your child's eyes. What is important, not the color of the sofa, but the bounce you get when you jump on it.

it takes helping little hands while they learn to help you with the chores, making the cleanup twice as long.

Good food, not always the most nutritious, but made for bringing the family together.

I may have designer clothes, by me. and for my little kidlets too. I actually feel bad to see my girls running around in clothing that I have not made, except for jeans (I do not want to sew jeans).

I want a home that my children want to be in. this is not the size or decor, it is the feeling of peace, comfort, acceptance, love, strength, fun and laughter.

I am not a patient woman, in fact I am quite the control freak. I try to hide it but it is always there. I want things to go my way in my time frame. I do not know how to be more patient. I have always joked that I am not a Doctor, I do not have patients.

I want to have a calm spirit and be someone my children want to seek out and spend time with. I want to be able to teach them about God and Jesus, and loving everyone. I fall so short of my expectations of being a mother. I look at others and think that they really have it and I do not. I keep wanting to make new clothes for my girls, because that is one thing I am good at. I want to be good at being their mommie. I guess that would also mean, understanding what they need, loving them every minute, correcting and guiding them to good choices, feeding them, clothing them, loving their father, playing with them, singing to them, making a mess and cleaning up together. and so many more things. I hope that I can be a good mom. I am here, I will do what I can.

So if you read this what is a good mommie?

preparedness

I have been going over what is needed for a family of 4 for a 12 month supply of food and other needs. It is quite overwhelming. so I thought that I would break it down in to approximately one month increments and that seems much easier to handle and begin to get. Also I could buy all of one item for a years supply, but then I would only have one or 2 items. It is much better to get what is needed for a month and continue to add one month at a time. So I will not be purchasing 600 lbs of wheat at one time, which is only $200. I will instead be getting enough for about 3 months at a time. I am doing the same with all my big ticket items, and small ones too.

After seeing what is going on in Japan this is daunting, what if all my pre-planning just gets washed away. I will just have to have faith that this will be good for me and my family. I love having cupboards full of food, to me that is security. I do not need all the new fangled gadgets, I want to know that I have food, clothing and shelter. I hope that my family and friends are doing what they can to prepare for emergencies and disasters.

as I type this my Leah is hanging on my right arm, making typing next to impossible.
til next time...

Things I have been thinking about...

Play dates
I have yet to really get into this craze. Really I just want to have time to myself, mostly to sew or run errands and not have to take the girls with me. I do not want to sit at someone elses house while I watch my child play, Ooh fun! I guess I just need a babysitter, or I may not understand the benefits of a play date. I could gab with other women but I want to talk about something other than children and house cleaning.

Sewing
I love, really love sewing and many people have suggested that I sew things and sell them. I like the idea of making money but sewing. I do not want my outlet to be my work. I do not want to have deadlines to get a project finished. My children and family come first, not some sewing project. I think if I did make things to sell it would be pretty fun to get my items out there, right now I sew for my family or I like to make gifts for people.

I rarely get the time so sew the things I want to, how would I have the time to make things to sell.

Dating my husband.
I really want to do this, but we have no money. The things that we enjoy doing together cost money. We have had so many offers for others to babysit our children and that is wonderful but we have to have something to do. I want it to be more romantic, thought out, planned. I want to look nice for my husband. My wardrobe sucks right now, yes I have ALOT of clothes, this does not mean that I can wear them right now.

Guilt for spending money on myself
I really need a massage, I hurt. I need tennis shoes, dental work, a hair cut, and some cute clothes(or just a new bra). But I have a hard time spending any money on myself. I do not want to take anything away from my children or husband. They need things and I can wait. But I am starting to feel resentful that I am always waiting for the things I need.

Meal planning
I should do it but well I just do not know where to start.

Couponing
I want to get in to this. I had started getting coupons from the paper but I did not use the things that there were coupons for. I dont need to get things that are a good deal if I do not use them. How does everyone keep getting such good deals? I have seen some offers of classes but I do not live near the places they are at. Help.

Well I need to get back to the Fam.

tired and frustrated

never mind. I will just keep it to myself