I am not pregnant with baby #3.!?

I know what a way to start a post or title a post. This is how I felt and what I thought when I found out the news today.

I went in to the Drs today to get checked, because I am 10 weeks along and I have been spotting for the past 4 days(just a little nervous here). As you may know I was seeing my midwives from my last birth, planning on a home birth again. I loved my homebirth, difficult but so nice to be home and not have to travel in labor or with a newborn, just to mention a few of my favorite things about that birth. So I had been keeping my midwives updated and they were suggesting, gently, that I should get an ultrasound for my peace of mind and to know what is going on. I really felt this morning that I wanted to be in touch with my drs office because bleeding for 4 days was not normal, especially this early.

I kept having all these horrible scenarios running through my head, a little like Anne of Green Gables, you get the picture. I really needed to have some clarification.  

So I went back to my old OB-Gyn office, oh joy. Well the appointment was for 12:30pm, and while I was in the appointment they told me my actual appointment with the nurse practitioner was at 2pm. What?!!!! oh I was really not happy. My blood pressure is always, ALWAYS higher in the office(or hospital) than it has ever been at home.

The medical field just loves to tell you small amounts of the truth or what they want you to think is the truth and then pull a big wammy on you in the end.

So I missed my girls first visit to our dentist, I am sad over this. But I am still bleeding and want answers and they are well taken care of by my wonderful husband, so I stick with the appointment.

I get in with the NP (I should say she comes in) finally at 2:30, says she has to be quick because they have scheduled me an ultrasound appt at 2:45. She was not incredibly hopeful sounding(looking back) but nice.

I get rushed off to the ultrasound appt, with 20 oz of water in me, and I sit and wait in the waiting room for an hour. Pregnant with a full bladder for an hour! When I asked what was taking so long they said they had double booked the tech and I would be the next one in. They did tell me I could go to the bathroom, but please keep some fluid in me.  I think I went like 10 times and still had a ton of urine when I was finally allowed to empty my bladder after the external ultrasound.

The internal ultrasound was not as bad as I had imagined, the tech was very gentle and kind, I was wondering why she did not turn on the monitor for me to see. But I waited and tried to think positive thoughts. Since the techs are not supposed to give any information when it is a negative outcome, I was trying not to go back to my huge list of what could be wrong. She did tell me that when a heart beat is detected she could show me the baby on the screen, but in this case that did not happen. She did tell me that I could wait around to talk with the Dr there for the results or go home and wait for a call from my Dr(which could happen in the morning or in 2-3 days).

After talking with my husband, I decided to wait to talk with the Dr before going home. I needed to know what was going on.

I did get a glance at the ultrasound images, the tech had left them on screen when she went out of the room for me to change, they were strange just a dark blob in the middle of nothing with nothing in it. Since I have 2 fibroids I thought it might be the fibroids.

Oh well and then the wait.

I got my book from the car and read for about 45 mins, when I finally got a phone call from my Dr's office.  They were so sweet and kind on the phone.

I have a blighted ovum, or in other words it was a bad egg, there is an empty sac in my uterus attached to the uterine wall.

There never was a baby, just pregnancy symptoms.

Weird, but very reassuring.

All the worries about major health problems left. I had an answer and it makes sense.

I have not felt any major need to cry or be upset over this. I am sad that I will not have my baby to hold in March 2013, I do plan on holding many babies in the coming months, but I never was going to. I never did anything wrong, there was no baby.

I do not have to grieve this passing of the sack and shedding of the lining, it is basically a period, I just skipped a few months of periods.

I have my 2 beautiful girls to hold and spend more time with before we try for baby #3 again. We have more time to save for the bigger vehicle we are going to need. I will have my girls potty trained before the next one comes along. We will have the midwives paid off in the next couple of months! I have the time to get my body in better shape and ready for the next one. I do not have to wear maternity clothes again this winter. We will not have a "bad egg".(this one made us laugh).

I am not broken and I did not loose a baby, there was not one to lose.

We have not been trying for years to have a baby and then this is the result.

Crazy things happen but I am grateful for the perspective this has given me with my family and goals in life.

I want to be pregnant again and I will be, just not now.

I think I will cry that I will not be holding a precious new soul that I helped to bring into this world in March, but it was not going to happen anyways.

I know that God has been in charge of this all along, he knows what is best for me, I have learned so much that I want to be a better wife and mother. I have a greater understanding of what I can do to bless the lives of my family, because this is what matters to me.

I am so glad to be a mother, I am so glad to be a wife.  These are difficult things to be, I chose these things for my life. It is interesting to me that I am a daughter and sister and they seemed so easy compared to wife and mother. The things I choose to do in life are so much harder than the things that just happen to me, but they are the most rewarding things I have ever done. I am learning more about me everyday and I hope that I am a better person than I was even just a half hour ago when I started this post.

Please do not be sad for me, I do not feel sad over this loss(?).
As I said I will miss not having that new baby in March but this is good and all is well.

Love to you all!
Shannon

I create

After writing my post last night, I came to an amazing realization. Not only do I create what goes on my blog, but I create my life, the environment in my home.

I create what my children experience and how they will experience life. I create friendships or not. I create many things.

For so long I have thought that I am only creating things when I am at my sewing machine(which I love to do).

I feel quite free today.

I am quite sure that friends, family, church leaders, strangers and God have been trying to teach me this very thing.  I am glad that I have finally gotten that lesson.

I look forward to creating how we grow as a family, or growing as we create what we envision.

I hope to have many opportunities to create many things. I love to share what comes.  So here is to creating new things.

What do you create? please share with me. 

I think I may just want too much. I do not mean money, or things. I mean things to do, having good close friends that my children grow up with their children, a clean(or semi-clean) home, time to sew and craft, time to serve others, time in the garden, good quality time with my family, dates with my husband, a girlfriend to call or just go out with for the fun of it, to get away.

I wish I wanted to be here in this part of my life more than I want to be. I know I am missing out on something, but I do not know how.

I had a great friend growing up, a built in best friend, my cousin. We did so much together but we grew apart, we still love each other but we are not pals like we used to be. In HS there were several good friends but life changes and only because of FB are we still in touch. And then in college I had an amazing friend, who helped me to get beyond where I started. I recently found out we have also started on separate paths, well actually that started about the time I got married.

 But now I feel like I am with out a best-girlfriend.

I have my husband and he is wonderful. I just want to talk to a friend, and not a different person every time I need to talk.

Do not get me wrong, I am truly grateful that I have had and still have so many friends. I have honestly been blessed with some wonderful people in my life, I would not be who I am with out you.

 But I still miss having the friend that I can pop in and see and I do not feel like I am imposing, I can speak my mind and they know I do not really mean all the nasty things I say.

 I can drop my children off at a moments notice and she can do the same.

 I want someone to talk to when married days are rough or not so rough.  Some one to commiserate when the day has been just too long and full of whine and tears.

I need a good friend, I need the chance to be a good friend. 

I am trying to be a good wife and mother, I honestly think I am failing at both, so I would like to be able to share my thoughts, feelings, ups, downs, words, cookies, chocolate, etc with a good friend so maybe, just maybe I can get beyond where I feel stuck right now.

I have been trying to make friends, not so busy when my days and nights are filled with energetic children and husband. I am always at a loss what to say and worried, oh so worried that I will open my mouth and just speak my mind... and loose again before I have even had a chance to make another friend.

Now that my tears are staining my face, I will end this. I hope truly hope that this post will help me to move forward in life with what I have and not dwell on what I do not have.

I love my children, I love my handsome, talented husband, I love and miss my Family, I love my In-laws, I love my friends, I even love chocolate.

I love thunder storms, I love rain, I love sunny days.

I am growing to love gardening and planning the landscaping, not my favorite thing but it is nice to be outside. 

I love that this is my voice in the world and I can craft it however I see fit for me. If you like it good.